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Welcome to the first edition Queerly Embodied! If you haven’t seen the welcome email that explains about what this newsletter is about, read it here.
This month, I want to talk about consent. When I talk about what it means to be queerly embodied, consent is an essential place to start. Consent with our own bodies, and understanding when our bodies and our internal parts are saying “no.”
I also want to dismantle a myth right upfront: If you notice that your body is saying “no,” if you notice that any parts of you don’t feel safe enough to be in your body, if you notice that being in your body feels like it’s bringing you outside your window of tolerance, guess what? You’re practicing queer embodiment.
So often, I have had to dismantle the myth in myself and with others that to be embodied means that I never feel a “no,” that I never need to slow down, that I should be perfectly ok tapping into my body. But that’s not the case. In fact, understanding our “no’s” is one of the most important parts of embodiment. Because our “no’s” are important and deserve to be honored.
Sometimes, I can’t go into my body because I’m feeling too much dysphoria. Sometimes, I can go into my body but then realize I need to slow down because I come up against a part of me that says “Hey, I’m not feeling safe.” And that doesn’t mean I’m doing embodiment wrong. In fact, in means I’m using a consent-informed lens to honor exactly where my body is, and what my body needs, moment-to-moment.
So let’s talk about what consent is: Consent is an ongoing conversation Consent is nuanced Consent isn’t automatically assumed Consent is more than just “yes” or “no”
Consent is an ongoing conversation with ourselves. As queer folx, our relationship to our bodies comes with so many layers - layers of trauma, layers of societal oppression, layers of internal and external issues of safety and how we are perceived. (This doesn’t mean there aren’t so many layers of JOY - more on that in a future newsletter!) Here are a few consent-informed practices that I like to incorporate both in my work with myself and my work as a therapist: If you come upon a “no,” it’s not a bad thing! It’s information that deserves compassion and curiosity. Start to learn what your “no’s” feel like. Do you dissociate? Do you start to feel certain physical sensations? Do you feel guilt and shame? Getting to know how your body tells you “no” is a key step when it comes to embodiment.
And because I love this topic, I want to share one more element of consent that’s also informed by kink praxis: I shared above that consent is so much more than “yes” or “no.” A consent-based concept that is used often in the kink community is red, yellow, green. Green means great, keep going. Yellow means slow down, I’m noticing something happening and want to check in. Red means stop. Some folx also incorporate the color blue, which refers to trauma activation. What’s important about all these colors is that none of them are inherently bad. None of them mean that you are doing something wrong. These colors are a way of communicating in a more nuanced way, moment-by-moment, where our consent is, so that we can then find a way back to safety and regulation.
If you’d like to learn more about consent-based language, check out this podcast: Queer Sex Ed If you’re interested consultation, individual therapy, check out my website for more information.
You can also follow me on Instagram. Thanks for joining me on this Queerly Embodied journey! Warmly,
Eula
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